...

I feel the anger, the sadness, the fear. I want to resist, to push back these negative emotions. But i find myself giving in.

I feel empowered by these emotions. I feel like I am able to do things I normally won't have the courage to do. I feel like I am able to do things now with a single minded focus that borders on the obsessive.

But often I am left spent at the end of the day.

I just got hell from my dad last night. It makes me ache just thinking about it. Got crap about using MSN all the time, got crap for the music that i listen to all that emo stuff, got crap about the fact that i listen to music with lyrics in them when I do my work. Got crap because I use the laptop to listen to music, that I dont know how to appriciate sound. Got crap because I'm not in a JC. Got crap because I'm always online. Got crap because I don't switch off the modem, that hackers are all around. Got crap because I failed one of my modules and have to stay back for 6 months. Got crap because I don't excercise. It just went on and on. The thing that I remembered most was the yelling. The raised voice.

I don't know. I hate shouting. It scares me many many. Sigh.


I went to bed crying. It's been a long time since I cried. And the sickening thing is that I could not even cry properly because I had a blocked nose. Sigh.

And this morning I got more yelling. My dad thought I did not do my prayers. First of all, I don't buy his religion much. Secondly, I thought you were not supposed to shove religion down people's throats? It's Singapore law, it's common sense, its religious law as well. He's forcing me to do what he does. How is that fair? Have I no say in what I believe in? Sure, I can speak out, but at what cost? My life, my limb? My freedom to move around in cyberspace?

Sigh.

It is so hard to speak to my friends about the shit i go through at home, because so few of them live in a similar environs. Some know what its like, but......


sigh. I gtg. dont wanna cry in frnt of my classmates