I honestly cant be bothered with yet another title...

... And so I find myself here, in my project room, alone with my thoughts and the internet.

I have been banned from blogging, listening to my kind of music, playing games, and using MSN at home. And I think it best to just comply and lay low for at least another week. Shit happens when you least expect them to.

But I'm not home now, am I? So yes, Lifehouse is blasting into my ears, I am...connected to MSN, but there are no conversations going on now because everyone else is busy with school.

But I don't mind. It's my first spot of solitude since the start of this day. Very intersting and shocking revalations were presented to me yesterday. Not only did I find out that Lydia is, in her own words, 'fucked', she has also missed her period, and now the question of a pregnancy is up in the air.

Am honestly surprised, but then again, it should not be that surprising. Shannon was ever the one to reach into your head and mess with it.

I guess I really wanted to say several things upon finding out about their coitus romps, but that'll make me one hell of a hypocrite. And besides, it's their lives, not my buisness to meddle, and they did not ask for my opinions, so. Yup. Woohoo, I certainly have changed quite a bit since... Mmm... I certainly have changed.

Sigh. I feel. Saddened. And I don't rightly know why. It could be the music I'm listening to, it could be the fact that I hate being alone, or it could also be the fact that I'm still whining about not being able to find a nice girl. Ha.

But then again, I find myself taking pleasure in feeling glum. Strange. And yes, almost every single sentence here starts with an 'I'. And is that a bad thing, I wonder? I am certainly rather egoistic, and would like to be the center of the universe and all that, but so far I think I've done a rather...passable job of not being the attention-seeking ass. But then, I don't know how long this phase can last once I enter a relationship.

After a month or so, I'll tend to change (again), and start to pour all my insecurities and shit into her lap and then expect her to solve them and stuff. Ugh. Not good. But I can't help it.

It was better during my previous relationship, when both of us were physical beings, needing the sense of touch to convey our feelings and the whole bonding process. No difficult need to 'be sensible and practical', taking into account the fact that we're supposed to be together for the rest of our lives and SO, lets work on our studies first, passion and intimacy be damned, even though we have nothing coming up for the next month or so.

So I'm guessing it was probably better that I did not try to get close to Pam. She's... ... I don't know. The damned relationship with *insert annoying name here* was a real learning exp I guess.

I am..muddled. My thoughts are flying everywhere.

Sigh. She was right in many ways in her assesment of me, I guess. But then again, as with everything, the beginning is the most important I guess, and as usual, it started out on shitty foundations. 2nd relationship was more like a fucking rebound. She was worn out from her relationship with him, and in came me, bringing a ray of hope for the male species. So she jumped boats. But then. She never really forgot him and in fact was missing him pretty badly, even though he was quite an ass.

And she was so damned practical-minded. Everything centered around the future, never in the now. Every free moment was spent doing her homework, doing revisions and such. I can't honestly blame her, even though I want to do so very badly. Her family has its fair share of problems, and it's all hands on deck to keep the ship floating.

Sigh. So damned hard to be the nice guy.

But then again, there lies my fault. I try to be the nice guy when in actual fact I'm too unstable to be any one thing for long.

Then came...her. Amazing. Simply...beautiful, it was, in the beginning. But it was under the same circumstances that we....'got together'. She 'broke up' with her boyfriend, who was a Chinese national with PR status here. Or his parents was from the motherland. Or something. Makes the same difference to me.

So, yea. I guess it was my fault too. Too fast and all that, as usual. And like she said. I was not who I really was when I was with her. She fell in love with a mask, she said. Not too far from the truth, I'll admit. And yea, she was still in contact with her apprently murderous ex bf who did not want her dating. *snort* So male.

We were never really together in a relationship, even though we got couple rings, even though we were making out like, every time we met. *grin* and talked seriously about a future together. Heh. Just....venting our fustrations I guess.

But her heart was still with her ex. And I was not who I truely was. Some will say that we would never have made it, because well, honestly speaking, I really cannot stand the idiotic whimsical nature of her 'ah lian'(local slang for. I dunno.) world

And like what she said, we come from very different worlds and stuff. So yea. It was meant to fall apart before long. Even from the beginning it was strained.

But oh gosh. Love. I really loved her. I still do, I think. But on closer examination I find that I'm only in love with memories of her; in love with the idea of her; in love with the possibilities.

If not for the fact that I go into a near blind rage whenever I see her in person, heh, I think I'll be "crawling back to her"........again.

Ah. Heck.

A series of events that ran concurrent with my tempermental whirlwind 'relationship', in addition to the emotionally shattering 'break up', helped me realise who I really was. What I really was.

I had an image of who I was, but I was still hesitant in calling him forth. For I was still in denial. And you people would know how messed up you can be after a break up with someone who you really thought was the -One-.

So. It was only several months later on a train, that I... broke out of the box.

Everything changed. I became the person you see now. Mercurial, anal, tempermental, slightly crazy, nice and yet bitingly sarcastic behind your back.

And yes I am tempted to put on a mask when I meet new people, but. What the heck, sooner or later they'll find out, and what chaos would there be, especially if it was only after I'm in a relationship that the mask cracks?

Would she love the persona I so carefully created? Or would she swallow the 'betrayal' and be all understanding to the real me?

I'm formless. I'm liquid. I bite...sometimes.

I dunno.

I dunno i dunno i dunno..................

Physical intamacy. I long for that. A hug; a kiss; holding hands; crazy making out session at the back of a bus; sex; more making out sessions... gotta love making out. >.<

The world feels gratifyingly real during these activities. Its almost as if I'm hurrying up catch up on 18 years worth of physical contact.

It's hard when you live in a household where you, especially, are not allowed to show your emotions. And who made this ridiculous rule? Yourself.

You cannot cry since age 5 because your dad will demand to know why the fuck are you crying like a pussy when you havent gotten any physical injuries. You try your fucking hardest, and when you finally turn 12, you figure out how to shut out the tears.

You cannot laugh out loud, or laugh in general, because when you turn to look, all you see is your dad's stony expression, as if what you were laughing about was not funny at all.

You cannot do anything in peace, with full concentration. Because you have one ear straining all the time to listen for the sound of a key in the lock of the main door, which would have meant that your dad was home.

You cannot help but tense up whenever you hear the sound of keys jingling for years to come.

And the reason why you are doing things you like to do in secret? Because you were not allowed to do them. Because you had gotten dismal results for the previous test or exam. A mere pass is not enough. Only 'A's will do, and when you finally get an 'A', it turns out to be insufficent. It turns out that 'A's were expected to be the norm since primary one.

And when you finally get a Distinction, you have to spoil it by having an F on the same report card.

It sure does not help when your dad has been calling you stupid, worthless, and other similar adjectives for several years.

And what makes everything that much worse? What is the thing that drives you to dispair?

To find that after all this shit that you've gone through...Your dad was right all the time. Except for the part where he calls you stupid dumb and worthless, of course. I would never agree with doing that to your child.

So. Yea. I guess that's why I am so deprived of physical affection, and seem so 'insecure', in the words of Amelia.

I don't know what I want.

I am so very confused.

The oppression...it is very potent. Everytime I feel like my own person, like I am able to shrug off all negativity, I am pointedly reminded of the shackles with which I am bound, in the form of a yelling dad.

No less than twice have I contemplated leaving. But always I am stopped with a simple question: Where will I go?

Dying is not an option. I am too pissed at the world in general to be silenced so easily.

So. Under his shadow, in the presense of his overbearing aura, do I bide my time. I have to endure his *shit, his shoving of his religion down my throat, and his constant expressions of how useless I am. But when it's all over...

* = say it as profoundly as possible.


I have made a sort of make-shift peace with my inner demons. It is as good as any.

Sigh. I am tired. I will go and sit in a corner and mope for a while. Feel pity for me, for that was a large part of the idea of typing out all this. I seek your attention and pity. Yup.


Sigh.