I honestly cant be bothered with yet another title...

... And so I find myself here, in my project room, alone with my thoughts and the internet.

I have been banned from blogging, listening to my kind of music, playing games, and using MSN at home. And I think it best to just comply and lay low for at least another week. Shit happens when you least expect them to.

But I'm not home now, am I? So yes, Lifehouse is blasting into my ears, I am...connected to MSN, but there are no conversations going on now because everyone else is busy with school.

But I don't mind. It's my first spot of solitude since the start of this day. Very intersting and shocking revalations were presented to me yesterday. Not only did I find out that Lydia is, in her own words, 'fucked', she has also missed her period, and now the question of a pregnancy is up in the air.

Am honestly surprised, but then again, it should not be that surprising. Shannon was ever the one to reach into your head and mess with it.

I guess I really wanted to say several things upon finding out about their coitus romps, but that'll make me one hell of a hypocrite. And besides, it's their lives, not my buisness to meddle, and they did not ask for my opinions, so. Yup. Woohoo, I certainly have changed quite a bit since... Mmm... I certainly have changed.

Sigh. I feel. Saddened. And I don't rightly know why. It could be the music I'm listening to, it could be the fact that I hate being alone, or it could also be the fact that I'm still whining about not being able to find a nice girl. Ha.

But then again, I find myself taking pleasure in feeling glum. Strange. And yes, almost every single sentence here starts with an 'I'. And is that a bad thing, I wonder? I am certainly rather egoistic, and would like to be the center of the universe and all that, but so far I think I've done a rather...passable job of not being the attention-seeking ass. But then, I don't know how long this phase can last once I enter a relationship.

After a month or so, I'll tend to change (again), and start to pour all my insecurities and shit into her lap and then expect her to solve them and stuff. Ugh. Not good. But I can't help it.

It was better during my previous relationship, when both of us were physical beings, needing the sense of touch to convey our feelings and the whole bonding process. No difficult need to 'be sensible and practical', taking into account the fact that we're supposed to be together for the rest of our lives and SO, lets work on our studies first, passion and intimacy be damned, even though we have nothing coming up for the next month or so.

So I'm guessing it was probably better that I did not try to get close to Pam. She's... ... I don't know. The damned relationship with *insert annoying name here* was a real learning exp I guess.

I am..muddled. My thoughts are flying everywhere.

Sigh. She was right in many ways in her assesment of me, I guess. But then again, as with everything, the beginning is the most important I guess, and as usual, it started out on shitty foundations. 2nd relationship was more like a fucking rebound. She was worn out from her relationship with him, and in came me, bringing a ray of hope for the male species. So she jumped boats. But then. She never really forgot him and in fact was missing him pretty badly, even though he was quite an ass.

And she was so damned practical-minded. Everything centered around the future, never in the now. Every free moment was spent doing her homework, doing revisions and such. I can't honestly blame her, even though I want to do so very badly. Her family has its fair share of problems, and it's all hands on deck to keep the ship floating.

Sigh. So damned hard to be the nice guy.

But then again, there lies my fault. I try to be the nice guy when in actual fact I'm too unstable to be any one thing for long.

Then came...her. Amazing. Simply...beautiful, it was, in the beginning. But it was under the same circumstances that we....'got together'. She 'broke up' with her boyfriend, who was a Chinese national with PR status here. Or his parents was from the motherland. Or something. Makes the same difference to me.

So, yea. I guess it was my fault too. Too fast and all that, as usual. And like she said. I was not who I really was when I was with her. She fell in love with a mask, she said. Not too far from the truth, I'll admit. And yea, she was still in contact with her apprently murderous ex bf who did not want her dating. *snort* So male.

We were never really together in a relationship, even though we got couple rings, even though we were making out like, every time we met. *grin* and talked seriously about a future together. Heh. Just....venting our fustrations I guess.

But her heart was still with her ex. And I was not who I truely was. Some will say that we would never have made it, because well, honestly speaking, I really cannot stand the idiotic whimsical nature of her 'ah lian'(local slang for. I dunno.) world

And like what she said, we come from very different worlds and stuff. So yea. It was meant to fall apart before long. Even from the beginning it was strained.

But oh gosh. Love. I really loved her. I still do, I think. But on closer examination I find that I'm only in love with memories of her; in love with the idea of her; in love with the possibilities.

If not for the fact that I go into a near blind rage whenever I see her in person, heh, I think I'll be "crawling back to her"........again.

Ah. Heck.

A series of events that ran concurrent with my tempermental whirlwind 'relationship', in addition to the emotionally shattering 'break up', helped me realise who I really was. What I really was.

I had an image of who I was, but I was still hesitant in calling him forth. For I was still in denial. And you people would know how messed up you can be after a break up with someone who you really thought was the -One-.

So. It was only several months later on a train, that I... broke out of the box.

Everything changed. I became the person you see now. Mercurial, anal, tempermental, slightly crazy, nice and yet bitingly sarcastic behind your back.

And yes I am tempted to put on a mask when I meet new people, but. What the heck, sooner or later they'll find out, and what chaos would there be, especially if it was only after I'm in a relationship that the mask cracks?

Would she love the persona I so carefully created? Or would she swallow the 'betrayal' and be all understanding to the real me?

I'm formless. I'm liquid. I bite...sometimes.

I dunno.

I dunno i dunno i dunno..................

Physical intamacy. I long for that. A hug; a kiss; holding hands; crazy making out session at the back of a bus; sex; more making out sessions... gotta love making out. >.<

The world feels gratifyingly real during these activities. Its almost as if I'm hurrying up catch up on 18 years worth of physical contact.

It's hard when you live in a household where you, especially, are not allowed to show your emotions. And who made this ridiculous rule? Yourself.

You cannot cry since age 5 because your dad will demand to know why the fuck are you crying like a pussy when you havent gotten any physical injuries. You try your fucking hardest, and when you finally turn 12, you figure out how to shut out the tears.

You cannot laugh out loud, or laugh in general, because when you turn to look, all you see is your dad's stony expression, as if what you were laughing about was not funny at all.

You cannot do anything in peace, with full concentration. Because you have one ear straining all the time to listen for the sound of a key in the lock of the main door, which would have meant that your dad was home.

You cannot help but tense up whenever you hear the sound of keys jingling for years to come.

And the reason why you are doing things you like to do in secret? Because you were not allowed to do them. Because you had gotten dismal results for the previous test or exam. A mere pass is not enough. Only 'A's will do, and when you finally get an 'A', it turns out to be insufficent. It turns out that 'A's were expected to be the norm since primary one.

And when you finally get a Distinction, you have to spoil it by having an F on the same report card.

It sure does not help when your dad has been calling you stupid, worthless, and other similar adjectives for several years.

And what makes everything that much worse? What is the thing that drives you to dispair?

To find that after all this shit that you've gone through...Your dad was right all the time. Except for the part where he calls you stupid dumb and worthless, of course. I would never agree with doing that to your child.

So. Yea. I guess that's why I am so deprived of physical affection, and seem so 'insecure', in the words of Amelia.

I don't know what I want.

I am so very confused.

The oppression...it is very potent. Everytime I feel like my own person, like I am able to shrug off all negativity, I am pointedly reminded of the shackles with which I am bound, in the form of a yelling dad.

No less than twice have I contemplated leaving. But always I am stopped with a simple question: Where will I go?

Dying is not an option. I am too pissed at the world in general to be silenced so easily.

So. Under his shadow, in the presense of his overbearing aura, do I bide my time. I have to endure his *shit, his shoving of his religion down my throat, and his constant expressions of how useless I am. But when it's all over...

* = say it as profoundly as possible.


I have made a sort of make-shift peace with my inner demons. It is as good as any.

Sigh. I am tired. I will go and sit in a corner and mope for a while. Feel pity for me, for that was a large part of the idea of typing out all this. I seek your attention and pity. Yup.


Sigh.

...

I feel the anger, the sadness, the fear. I want to resist, to push back these negative emotions. But i find myself giving in.

I feel empowered by these emotions. I feel like I am able to do things I normally won't have the courage to do. I feel like I am able to do things now with a single minded focus that borders on the obsessive.

But often I am left spent at the end of the day.

I just got hell from my dad last night. It makes me ache just thinking about it. Got crap about using MSN all the time, got crap for the music that i listen to all that emo stuff, got crap about the fact that i listen to music with lyrics in them when I do my work. Got crap because I use the laptop to listen to music, that I dont know how to appriciate sound. Got crap because I'm not in a JC. Got crap because I'm always online. Got crap because I don't switch off the modem, that hackers are all around. Got crap because I failed one of my modules and have to stay back for 6 months. Got crap because I don't excercise. It just went on and on. The thing that I remembered most was the yelling. The raised voice.

I don't know. I hate shouting. It scares me many many. Sigh.


I went to bed crying. It's been a long time since I cried. And the sickening thing is that I could not even cry properly because I had a blocked nose. Sigh.

And this morning I got more yelling. My dad thought I did not do my prayers. First of all, I don't buy his religion much. Secondly, I thought you were not supposed to shove religion down people's throats? It's Singapore law, it's common sense, its religious law as well. He's forcing me to do what he does. How is that fair? Have I no say in what I believe in? Sure, I can speak out, but at what cost? My life, my limb? My freedom to move around in cyberspace?

Sigh.

It is so hard to speak to my friends about the shit i go through at home, because so few of them live in a similar environs. Some know what its like, but......


sigh. I gtg. dont wanna cry in frnt of my classmates

untitled

Well. The planning for the chalet seems pretty smooth enough. Between the 3 of us, we're actually getting things done. Next, I'm gonna give each of us an area to be in charge of. Whee. Sho fun.

Well. A few days ago, my dad told me that he was disappointed in me, and flat out told me I was worthless. Meh. With other people, they might be shamed into wanting to do something about it. But me... I hear it, I hurt, and then I shove it out the window.

I dunno why I'm back here. I guess I needed a place to vent in private. To type it out and read it again. But then, I'm not entirely sure if this blog is...safe.

I could always just type it on MS Word, and read it there...

But I have a strange need to type the stuff out and put it on the internet.

Mmm...



Ah! I will simply create a new blog! Eat up more server space! All for the sake of my emotional wellbeing! And this time, no blind moments of trust. We keep it hush hush, yes we will.


Before I go... And since I'm already here...


Thank you T. No point naming names here. No body will know either way. I never knew you'd become my eyes and ears. You have proven to be very helpful. I owe you lunch.

And yes it is most probably Mobius1 that you saw. Your feed matches that of known Mobius1 data. Time analysis indicates that it is possible to be in that area now. Besides, that area IS a known breeding ground for the Mobius Escorts.

Try to get a closer look, yea? But be careful.

And thank you B. You hit the spot. I hear you. I feel the same way. But sometimes, you have to defy conventional logic to achieve what you want.

And fuck yes, I will so execute option A. 'Mr. O' has given the green light, after holding back for so long. Heh. We have made him see the truth now.

There are many ways to break a person. Many ways to impair. I've always been vocal about the physical torture.

It is time to use another method. A covert one. Social kamikaze, but it'll be worth it.

ladies and gentlemen,

option A is a go. Let's go kill some people.

Not again

Do you people have to make me go crazy enough to come back here and blog about some stupid shit that happened?

Must you get me down?

Are you waiting for me to tell you how I nearly ran tim through with a fork?

And how i nearly stabbed and gutted PH with a knife? And how in that instant I had a very vivid flash of how it would feel, and actually loving it?

Must you be so fucking distant and closed off? Must you Hold back after preaching to me about wearing masks? Why wait until me, then start to stop? Why did you throw yourself at them in the first place?

God who does not exist, damn it.

Bah... Damned kid. Got himself lost in some damned shopping mall. Made his sister search for him like nuts. result? she comes to school late, and we end up not meeting each other...

damned kid.

If that's not bad enough, she reaches school with 40 mins to spare, and I ask her if she still wants to meet. I mean, I will always want to meet, that's my constant in this equation. And she says ok, but I mean... It was bloody obvious that she wernt telling the truth...

Blah blah blah blah...in the end she gave one of the really dumbest reasons why she did not want to meet. 'Because I dont want you to walk so far...'

WHAT IN HECK?

I mean, she should like, know me better then that already?!?

Faugh...fine fine.

I would have done so much more at a drop of a hat -have done so too- just for her sake and here she is, saying she did not want to meet cos the walk would be quite far for me? I could just...ugh.

Someone shoot me, please.

Doubts bout us? no, but...faugh...

In the end some other crap reason came up...I mean, if that was the real reason why you did not want to meet, why did you not say so in the FIRST place????

Bah...

she doth be so cryptic...

right, to business.

Its rather crazy. no? I'm using one of my old nicks, and im setting up a blog on blogger, of all places..haha.

but i guess im just lazy. Waha.